wo ai ni

Xinyi's at work and I am here, alone, trying to get used to the change. We geared up for this, spent the entire weekend together eating noodles and watching Taiwanese teledrama from episode one to the grand finale. We screamed at Xiang Qin together, laughed at Ah Jin together, swooned over Zhi Shu together. . .and now there's only silence. Every night from six to eleven, silence.
I'm tempted to watch episode nineteen again, the one where Zhi Shu realises his True Love. I'm tempted, but I don't understand Chinese, written or spoken.
And my translator's at work.

spider solitaire

I am looking inward; that may be my problem.

I am content in myself, happy with who I am and who I am working to become. I am alone but never lonely, solitary but not yet isolated.

Most of a month ago we sat about the round table, the traditional Christmas Eve fondue at our center, swapping stories of the highs and lows of 2006. We shared the silly, the solemn, the momentous and the momentary. Dad had been silent a good while, listening to the banter of family. When time came for his turn he only stated, "This is the high. To have worried and watched over you all these long years, only to watch you become the beautiful people you are now, knowing you will all be okay, knowing you will make a difference."

I am waiting. Hoping that I am not disillusioned, that I truly am someone worth knowing. I am reminding myself that friendships, the very best of them, take time. I would not be so overparticular if not for the friendships I have amassed, each so intricate and eloquent in their own way. How cruel it is that, no matter how secure in our selves we may be, we need to be seen by others to be sure of our own existence.

I am looking inward; that is my strength.

shadowfeet

Walking, stumbling
On these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen

I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

[Chorus]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standin'
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay

But I've heard rumours
Of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standin'
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

*****

Albertine arrived this past Sunday. Brooke's been on repeat ever since. I did not realise how much she means to me, how far-reaching her impact was in my life, until we held the small package, reverently, at her arrival. Olivia did the honors and we stood in silence as she pulled the bubble wrap from the slim jewel case, nodded in agreement when she motioned to the stereo.

The first hushed steps of "shadowfeet" brought me to tears. You know there is something bigger, something better here that we can ever fathom.